Suggestions to Start Coping with Anger

ANGER IS AN EMOTION THAT CENTERS ON GETTING CONTROL

Someone calls you an "inconsiderate idiot," and you feel angry. Someone cuts in front of you on the freeway, and you feel angry. Someone attacks your friend, and you feel angry. What causes you to feel anger? What do all of these situations have in common?

Underlying anger is caused by a perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values. The values in the above examples might be pride, getting someplace on time, someone you love,

money, or being treated "unfairly". We are frustrated about not getting what we want or expect.

With anger, we usually think we know what caused the problem. We have some target(s) for our anger. It may be the person criticizing you, the person who cut you off on the freeway, an attacker, your boss, or even yourself. With anger, we may hope that a burst of energy aimed at the threat will defeat it.

Anger can be used constructively at times. It can give us energy we need to fight back if physically attacked. However, for most situations it merely clouds our judgment and creates extra stress. Prolonged or frequent resentment (mild anger) has been shown to be a significant cause of cardiovascular problems and heart attacks. It is the villain behind "type A" behavior.

HOSTILITY MEANS NOT ACCEPTING THE UNCHANGEABLE

What do the following examples of hostility have in common? Yelling at a cop for giving you a ticket. Kicking in a door that is broken. Blaming all your troubles on how your parents raised you. Refusing to accept that a relationship is over--when it clearly is. Throwing a temper tantrum after losing a game. Continuing to beat yourself up after you learned your lesson.

As destructive as anger can be at times, it is not nearly so bad as hostility. Dr. George Kelly believed that the underlying cause of all hostility is not adequately accepting unchangeable aspects of reality. Hostility means not accepting reality. Hostility is maintaining a goal even after it is clear it can't be reached. Hostility is doing something desperate to get things "right"—despite reality. Hostility just hurts you and others. The only healthy response to a "done deed" reality is to

accept it and try to understand it

Accept the past, forgive, let go, and move on.

         GET CONTROL OF ANGER-PRODUCING

                   BELIEFS AND THOUGHTS

Anger is caused by your inability to mentally cope with some situation. If you have a persistent problem with anger, then you either have important underlying issues that you have not yet resolved, or you are using emotional coping methods that are ineffective.

There are many internal and external methods for coping with anger. Many methods that help with any negative emotion also help with anger. To get over your anger, it is helpful to identify those important values.

Blaming others (or yourself) and remaining angry may appear the easy way out. Finding new ways to think about the situation and make yourself happy requires skillful effort. If you want to reduce your anger, consider each of the following issues or techniques for regaining mental control.

1. EXPLORE EMOTIONS OF HURT AND FEAR UNDERLYING THE ANGER

Remember that anger stems from fear and a sense of helplessness. Some important value or goal is threatened and you feel that you are losing control of the situation. You may not want to admit feeling hurt or fear. (You may think such an admission is a sign of weakness.) Yet these are the underlying feelings that will help you identify which values and goals are being threatened.

The real threat may not be the surface issue (being late to the movie) as much as the underlying issue (not being important to someone you love or being mistreated). Identifying emotions of fear and hurt will open the door to these underlying issues.

2. DEVELOP EMPATHETIC UNDERSTANDING

My sexually abused client found that developing a deeper, empathetic understanding of her father was keys to defusing her anger. You might begin by asking them to explain their point of view.

             Forgiving is not forgetting, it is remembering and letting go.

                             (Claudia Black, 1989)

To be able to control our anger despite tragic events, we must each find a way to deal with the "dark side" of life.

3. ASSUME THE BEST INTENTIONS (whenever possible)

As a psychologist who has seen hundreds of clients, I have discovered that even the most hostile people are usually not trying to hurt others. Instead, they primarily want to protect or defend themselves and to meet their own values. (The most hostile people are often people who have experienced a lot of abuse and criticism and are very sensitive to it.)

How does the insight that people are usually aggressive to defend themselves apply to less hostile people? If a person who normally cares about you is angry or purposely harms you, then he (or she) is probably doing it out of defensiveness or fairness! He probably thinks that you did something to him first, and he is just defending himself, "getting even," or trying to "teach you a lesson" so you won't harm him again. In short he is probably operating under the same reasons that you are when you perpetuate the cycle of conflict! He is assuming the worst intentions of you--that you don't care about him or that you tried to intentionally hurt him.

4. IS "FAIRNESS" OR "JUSTICE" AN UNDERLYING ISSUE?

So often our expectations are the keys to our feelings. We may not accept that others are imperfect or that we are imperfect. "Bad," "evil," "unfair" things happen billions of times daily. It is natural to feel negative emotions such as anger in response to events we label "bad" or "unfair."

There really is some "justice" in this world. What I have been saying about "fairness" is that rigidly holding on to a fairness doctrine can undermine our happiness. However, one concern people express to me is that if they do not hold on to this doctrine, and then there will be no justice or consequences.

"Psychological Justice." Psychological laws are particularly effective as natural punishments. People who take advantage of other people are punished by natural reactions--such as lack of real intimacy and love in their life. Their Higher Self, which sees “the evil” or harm they do to others and produces guilt through natural empathy with others punishes them. They are punished by their own anger and negative beliefs--which torment them with conflict, anger, and anxiety. They are too busy feeling anger to feel happy.

We have seen how my sexually abused client was able to get rid of her deep anger through understanding and forgiveness. Understanding and forgiveness are necessary ingredients to any anger-reduction formula.

We may also have trouble forgiving ourselves. We might be angry with ourselves because we are still living with the consequences of bad choices we made earlier in our lives. We may think we are so "bad" or "stupid" that we don't deserve to be happy. How can we forgive ourselves for messing up our lives? We may blame our parents or even "God" for making us the kind of people that "failed."

It may all seem so "unfair." How do we get over blaming others or ourselves for our misfortunes?

5. ARE YOU "HOLDING ON" TO THE ANGER (OR HURT) FOR MOTIVATION?

Do you "hold on to your anger" or feelings of being hurt in order to punish the person. Do you want to punish the person to "get even?  Holding on to anger or hurt can only hurt you!  Much more effective than punishment given out of anger! 

6. EXAMINE UNDERLYING EXPECTATIONS

Unfulfilled expectations can lead to anger. What are your expectations of yourself and others for this situation? Are you expecting more than is realistic for this person in this particular situation?  Examine your underlying expectations about what you need to be happy and live the type of life you want. Examine your expectations from others. Perhaps you have higher (or different) standards than others. Perhaps you expect others to follow them as well as yourself. You may even be right. But these are your expectations of others--not theirs. They are who they are, and one root of anger is not accepting people (or events) as they are.

7. CHOOSE HAPPINESS INSTEAD OF ANGER--"My anger hurts me more than it hurts you” Holding on to anger has other self-destructive consequences. These consequences include negative effects on your body and taking away from your enjoyment of the present moment. You cannot feel angry and happy at the same time--it's impossible! Therefore, you have a choice--anger or happiness!

People who habitually choose anger over happiness lead frustrated, angry lives--not happy ones. Remind yourself of these consequences to get more control of your anger. Say to yourself,

8. Remember, "IT'S THE WAY OF THINGS"

 Think about someone who severely attacked you physically or verbally. What was that experience like? The fear, hurt, and anger of that memory can stay with you the rest of your life. The aggression may create some small measure of lasting resentment and distance between you and the person who delivered the attack. The aggression can cause lowered trust and a lasting fear that they may hurt you again.

2. BE ASSERTIVE--Seek "Win-Win" Solutions

If you are angry with someone, focus on your top goal in life--to maximize happiness for yourself and others. Choosing love and happiness--even when you feel angry--strengthens your Higher Self.   Focus on loving yourself. Reach deep inside and find the part of you (your Higher Self) that loves this other person unconditionally (i.e. no matter what they have done). Focus on those feelings of love and on the goal of seeking a "win-win" solution. Try to understand their point of view as well as your own. If you are successful in producing a "win-win" solution, you will have a "triple win:" 1--getting your own original needs met, 2-eliminating your own self-destructive anger toward

3. TAKE A "TIME-OUT" IF SOMEONE GETS TOO UPSET

Observe your own emotions when you are in a frustrating situation. If you see that you are starting to feel too angry, anxious, or guilty, then take a "time-out." To take a time-out, you might say, "I need some time to think about what we have been talking about. I would like to continue our conversation [in a few minutes, at a later time, etc.]." If the other person doesn't want you to leave, insist and leave anyway.

Similarly, if you observe that the other person is getting too upset and is not dealing constructively with the situation, take a time-out. You could say the same thing as before, or say, "It looks like we're both getting upset, and if we can't discuss this more calmly, then I will need to take a

time-out." Take the time-out in the early stages of a conflict, don't wait until it has gotten destructive. Take time-outs as often as is necessary to keep things reasonably calm and productive.

4. FIND CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS TO RELEASE YOUR HIGH ENERGY AND

AROUSAL

You have heard the expression, "Get your anger out" to get rid of it. Freud used the analogy of a steam pot that will burst if the energy is not released. To some degree the analogy is accurate.  Anger causes high levels of arousal and energy--energetic activity releases it. Research has supported the idea that anger leads to a high arousal, high-energy state that can last for hours—or even longer. During that time, we are more prone to renewed anger. Energetic activities use the energy and help dissipate that extra arousal. Therefore, in addition to internal methods of reducing

anger, it is important to dissipate anger by energetic actions. Try exercise, walking, running, sports, physical labor, or other energetic activities--especially those that make you feel good. How I feel?" How would you feel? How constructive was it to the relationship?

Exercises

PRACTICE 1: (1) List your self-destructive expressions of anger and replace them with constructive expressions. List ways you deal with frustrating situations. What thoughts increase your anger? Which words or actions are harmful to others, your relationships, or yourself? (Examples: Yelling, swearing, attacking, throwing things, eating, smoking, drugs, avoiding the problem, or taking it out on someone else.) What thoughts and actions would be more constructive?

(2) List energetic activities to reduce anger's arousal. Sports, exercise, biking, walking, running, doing chores, laughing, and even (constructive) talking can help reduce anger's arousal. The more vigorous the activity, the more effective.

 PRACTICE 2: Develop a plan for assertive (not aggressive or passive) conflict

 Resolution. Follow the suggestions above (and in chapter 6) to develop a plan of how to deal assertively with situations where you tend to be angry and aggressive (or non-assertive). Seek Win-win solutions.

                             SUMMARY:

          choose ACCEPTING the unchangeable aspects of reality

                    over hostility--"its the way of things,"

              take CONSTRUCTIVE ENERGETIC ACTIONS

                   to help get rid of the steam inside, and

        remember, there is inherent justice for harmful behaviors and most of all, remember,

 EVERY MOMENT OF ANGER IS ONE LESS MOMENT OF HAPPINESS.