Fragmented and Estranged Families: Patterns Reconciliation

Fragmented Families: Patterns of Estrangement and Reconciliation by Ellen B. Sucov, PhD

"Everything has its season, and there is a time for everything under the sun." But how do we understand the "season" for estrangement? When is the time to scatter, to hate, and to cut off from one's own family? Can the fragments ever be restored? Is it possible to heal the wounds, to mend the broken parts? How can a woman reconcile with a brother who has shunned her for forty years? Can we learn to make peace with alienated parents, with children who have banished us from their lives? Will we ever be able to laugh together and embrace them?

Welcome to my Web Site

Fragmented Families: Patterns of Estrangement and Reconciliation expands current knowledge of estrangement and its implications. New insights emerge from the interpretations of family conflict in sacred and secular literature. Narratives of real families present vivid examples of the pain of estrangement and, in some cases, chart the pathway to reconciliation. The process of resolving a prolonged estrangement in the author's own family is documented in detail. The author provides sensible strategies and useful resources for the task of reconciling with alienated family members. By applying suggestions offered in the concluding chapters, readers can discover how to transpose the negative impact of estrangement into a compelling incentive for exploring family dynamics and clarifying their own role in the family.

On this site, you will find excerpts from the book, a brief autobiography, definitions of key terms, a collection of relevant poems and quotes, stories about real families, and suggestions for restoring a fragmented family. I will be glad to respond to questions and comments from readers.

About Ellen B. Sucov, PhD

I am a psychologist, retired from the Faculty of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh in 1988. I was born in Buffalo, NY in 1931, studied in the Music Department at Carnegie Institute of Technology (1949-51) and earned three degrees from Duquesne University: a B.A. in Music Education and an M.A. and Ph.D. in Psychology (1975).
Since 1989, with my husband Gene, a retired physicist, I have been living six months each year in Jerusalem, Israel and the rest of the year in Pittsburgh, PA. This is a second marriage for each of us. Gene has three sons and eight grandchildren, all living in the USA. I have a daughter, a son, and eight Israeli grandchildren.

My interest in psychology and family systems was sparked by a prolonged estrangement in my own family. After many years of study, preparation, failed efforts, and skilled guidance, the conflict was eventually resolved. Fragmented Families is an outgrowth of that process.

Excerpts from Fragmented Families

"My mother was the youngest child and the only daughter of her aging parents. I am uncertain about the place of her birth. She claimed to have been born in a small town in Pennsylvania, but she had no birth document and I suspect that she was brought to America as a babe in her mother's arms. Her Orthodox Jewish family came from a shtetl (small village) in Lithuania where they had survived more than one pogrom. From fragments of stories my cousins told, I gather that my grandfather was a sober, observant Jew, determined to uphold the laws and commandments of his forefathers. The rest of the family was eager to assimilate, to become Americans. There is one terrifying story, a secret kept hidden, that illustrates their struggle.

One of my mother's brothers, anguished over a failure or transgression, journeyed to the country farmhouse of his elder brother and hung himself on a tree in the front yard. This ultimate expression of cutoff, when the family had not yet gained a foothold in the strange new world, must have been a terrible shock. My mother never discussed this episode, so I am left to wonder how my grandparents, who died before I was born, survived the grief and the shame.

Some years later, frustrated in his efforts to remain an "old world" Jew and appalled at his assimilated family, my grandfather cut himself off from his wife and adult children and moved to an Orthodox old-age home in New York City. He died there, alone and forsaken by the rest of the family. It was on this shaky foundation that my mother set out to find herself and to shape her own identity." (Introduction, page xv)

"Everything has its season, and there is a time for everything under the heaven." But how do we understand the "season" for estrangement? When is the time to scatter, to break, to hate, and to cut off from one's own family? And how can the fragments be restored to wholeness? Is it possible to heal the wounds, to mend the broken parts? How can a woman reconcile with a brother who has shunned her for forty years? Can we learn to make peace with alienated parents, with children who have banished us from their lives? Will we ever be able to laugh together and embrace one another? (page 1)

"Imagine that you could move backward in time, speak with your grandmother's grandmother and gaze at her face as she responds to your questions. What would she tell you about the daily life of her family, the crises they confronted, the rituals for their holiday celebrations, the prayers chanted at her father's funeral? Suppose you could trace the wanderings of each generation in your father's line, going back to the period of the first millennium. Imagine the multitude of places they inhabited before reaching the place you now call home.

Our perceptions and behavior reflect the legacy of our family's past. Remnants of the past adhere to our present actions, as well as to our future aspirations. One family therapist said that we learn five fundamental skills from our family of origin: a pattern of relating to others, a set of rules to live by, a constellation of meanings about life experiences, the ability to handle threats, and the resources to cope with loss, illness, hardships, and calamities.[i]

This basic knowledge is profoundly influenced by the cultural, ethnic, and religious orientation of the family. "Ethnicity," "culture," and "religion" are distinct but overlapping concepts, each referring to a specific claim of affiliation and a common heritage. Like all families, the families described in this book have been shaped by their past, by the historical legacies of their members." (pages 25-6)

[i] W. F. Nerin, Family Reconstruction: Long Day's Journey Into Light (New York: Norton, 1986), 37.

"The act of writing is an ongoing exploration, a continuous learning. As I write about the lives of others, I discover new dimensions of myself. Listening to the stories of estrangement and pondering their meanings, I have come to see the sequence from alienation to reconciliation as a vital opportunity for personal growth and renewal.

Examining an estrangement in one's own family is a journey without a clear destination. The benefits cannot be defined in terms of success or failure. It is not an event, done once and finished. Rather, it emerges as a series of stages that unfold over time, advancing and regressing in alternating progression. Similar to the musical form of a fugue, the process reverberates with themes and counter-themes, harmony and dissonance, sounds and silence.

During the course of confronting, examining, and perhaps resolving a conflict, one must learn to create a sense of connection that has been lost, damaged, or broken. The process includes a renewal of oneself as well as a turning toward others. It can serve as the cutting edge for a new surge of personal growth." (page 242)

"When we reflect on these stories of families who have remained estranged, we can trace the evolution of hostilities. We see how hidden agendas and repressed grievances lie dormant and then flare up in spurts of accusations and retaliations, or remain buried in stubborn silence. What elements distinguish these families from others who have turned away from the anger, who have moved toward repair and renewal? In more fortunate situations, new insights kindle the aspiration for change.

When the protagonists begin to modify their habitual behavior patterns, they are able to see their family in a new light. The occurrence of estrangement then becomes an opportunity for growth; it can actually serve as an incentive to clarify the boundaries of relationships and re-define one's separate identity.

What appeared to be polar opposites - self and others, closeness and distance, right and wrong -- can be re-framed in more flexible, more constructive terms. As old animosities begin to dissolve, new modes of relating become possible. In the midst of this process, family members come to acknowledge a basic paradox of human existence: we know ourselves only in the context of living with others, and we experience relationships only in the effort to differentiate ourselves from others.

The ultimate question is how a person can strengthen his or her individual identity while sustaining meaningful, mutually supportive connections with family members. Those who remain mired in anger are not able to address this question." (pages 197-8)

Strategies for Change

Change is the key to reconciliation. But resistance and rigidity pollute the emotional climate of fragmented families. People find countless reasons not to change. A father asks, "Why should I speak to my daughter when she ignores my most cherished values?" A man insists that he can never forgive his brother's insults. A woman cannot imagine how she could reconcile with her brother after he neglected their dying mother. In the face of such provocations, how can a fragmented family be restored to wholeness? Will the hurt and the anger ever be overcome? How can they begin to move toward forgiveness and healing?

These are legitimate questions, and here is my answer: growth, development, and change are synonymous. There is no growth without change. The alternative to growth is stagnation and rigidity. Estrangements tend to sustain stagnation and rigidity. Efforts to resolve conflict, whether or not they succeed in achieving reconciliation, will promote growth and maturity.

Here are some suggestions for seeking reconciliation with a person who is estranged from you. I will use readers' input to modify and amplify these ideas.

§  Identify your goals but be ready to modify them.
One goal is to resolve the conflict and restore a connection with the estranged person. But don't assume that this is the only goal. Other goals may be just as important and just as useful for your own wellbeing.

§  Don't set deadlines.
For many people, understanding and resolving a family conflict takes a long time; for some it takes a lifetime. Don't expect quick solutions.

§  Recognize that estrangement may have positive value.
Use the estrangement as an incentive to expand your knowledge of your family. Rather than preserving anger or anguish, focus on re-directing some of your energy to the task of clarifying your own role as a family member. Your new insights may or may not lead to reconciliation. In either case, you will become a wiser, more complete person.

§  If the other person won't reciprocate, it doesn't mean you failed.
In many families, only one person wants to resolve the conflict. The others are resistant, indifferent, or simply not ready. If this is the situation in your family, you can still benefit from the new understanding that will come from your efforts. Trying and failing is better than not trying at all.

§  Examine your intentions.
If you intend to evoke guilt, demand an apology, or change the other person's behavior, your efforts will probably be futile.

§  Tone down your expectations.
If you cannot give up your fantasies of a "perfect" relationship, or if you continue to expect the other person to "give in," your efforts will fail.

§  Clarify boundaries.
Be aware of those relationships in which you feel dependent, excessively close, or overly demanding. Try to back up and reduce the intensity of your feelings.

§  Question your habitual reactions.
We often get into ruts and our reactions become repetitive and rigid. Consider alternative ways to behave in situations where you have always done or said the same thing.

§  Accept less than perfect solutions.
When family members become estranged, there is usually a long history of bad feelings that led to the cutoff. If and when reconciliation occurs, remnants of the past will cling to the restored relationship. Don't expect simple or ideal solutions.

§  Appreciate your strengths.
Working to resolve an estrangement can be exhausting and frustrating. Your willingness to begin the task is a sign of strength. Persisting in the face of resistance is another positive sign. Identify your emotional assets and nurture them. They will serve as vital ingredients in the process of reconciling with an estranged relative.

§  Acknowledge the other person's right to be different.
Families are infinitely complex and each individual is unique. The other person is not required to be a mirror image of you. Focus on the positive ways he or she is different from you and work at respecting those differences.

§  Agree to disagree.
Severed family connections are a consequence of significant disagreements over important issues. As you work toward repairing the damage, be aware that some of the friction will remain. Learn to accept the reality of ongoing disagreement as part of the process.

§  Try to achieve a more balanced pattern of closeness and distance.
Conflicts erupt when some family members become excessively involved in another person's life, or when one person is disparaging or indifferent to the other's needs. Be aware of those tendencies that may be stirring up resentment in your family.

§  Recognize estrangement as one aspect of family life.
Many families experience a recurring pattern of alienation and reconciliation. One branch of the family may be relatively calm and peaceful, while another is mired in bitter conflict. Try to perceive these patterns as alternating rhythms in the ongoing life of the family.

§  Monitor your own progress.
Pay attention to the intensity of your feelings and recognize when you are off balance. Notice which of these strategies are most difficult for you to accept. Consider why they are so difficult. The answer may lead you to the crux of your resistance.

§  Obtain professional help.
To guide your efforts, consult a mental health professional who is a family systems specialist. There is no good substitute for skilled professional help.

§  Learn how to express anger without being obnoxious

§  Practice how to apologize and mean it

§  Don't give up

§  Celebrate change

§  Express gratitude

FRAGMENTED FAMILIES contains a spectrum of suggestions for exploring and repairing an alienated family. See especially Chapters 9 and 10.