A Quick Check-List on Healthy vs Controlling Families

Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families

Healthier Families	Controlling Families
Nurturing Love Parental love is relatively constant Children get affection, attention, and nurturing touch Children are told they are wanted and loved	Conditional Love Parental love is given as a reward but withdrawn as punishment Parents feel their children "owe" them Children have to "earn" parental love
Respect Children are seen and valued for who they are Children’s choices are accepted	Disrespect Children are treated as parental property Parents use children to satisfy parental needs
Open Communication Expressing honest thoughts is valued more than speaking a certain way Questioning and dissent are allowed Problems are acknowledged and addressed	Stifled Speech Communication is hampered by rules like "don’t ask why" and "don’t say no" Questioning and dissent are discouraged Problems are ignored or denied
Emotional Freedom It’s okay to feel sadness, fear, anger and joy Feelings are accepted as natural	Emotional Intolerance Strong emotions are discouraged or blocked Feelings are considered dangerous
Encouragement Children’s potentials are encouraged Children are praised when they succeed and given compassion when they fail	Ridicule Children feel on trial Children are criticized more than praised
Consistent Parenting Parents set appropriate, consistent limits Parents see their role as guides Parents allow children reasonable control over their own bodies and activities	Dogmatic or Chaotic Parenting Discipline is often harsh and inflexible Parents see their role as bosses Parents accord children little privacy
Encouragement of an inner Life Children learn compassion for themselves Parents communicate their values but allow children to develop their own values Learning, humor, growth and play are present	Denial of an Inner Life Children lack compassion for themselves Being right is more important than learning or being curious Family atmosphere feels stilted or chaotic
Social Connections Connections with others are fostered Parents pass on a broader vision of responsibility to others and to society	Social Dysfunction Few genuine connections exist with outsiders Children are told "Everyone’s out to get you"
Helpful books and resources on this topic
From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright © 1999 by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.