Origins of Toxic Narcissism

 

Narcissism stems from the shame of unresolved trauma. Anybody can inflict that trauma but a child’s parents, the people who are supposed to love and protect him, have the most opportunities to traumatize him early in life when personality disorders get triggered.

The cause of narcissism can be as simple as growing up with a parent or caretaker who treats you like you’re unlovable or who only demonstrates approval when you accomplish something meaningful to them. If a kid only feels good about himself when he gets good grades, he’s going to be motivated to lie and cheat if that’s what it takes because shame is the most punishing human emotion.

Narcissists are often called ‘shameless’ because of their infamous misogyny, racism, and homophobia, all of which is just scapegoating. But the truth is, narcissists are possessed by shame. The blaming, name-calling and scapegoating is how they project their shame onto others. The benefit to them is that hate triggers the same oxytocin high as love-bombing.

Narcissism is a survival trait present in everyone)

Toxic narcissism occurs when you get stuck in survival mode. The mind shows you only black and white, danger vs. safety, good vs. evil. Nuance, reason, and empathy get deactivated. Think about that for a minute: if your life is in danger, you have no time to be distracted by nuance and empathy…

Narcissists see the world as dog-eat-dog, eat or be eaten. That’s why they only think about themselves. If you learned in childhood that no one has your back, you’d better be prepared to take care of yourself. And it’s a zero-sum game. Only one person can win, and it better be you or else… shame.

As far as your nervous system is concerned, shame is emotional violence. Narcissists are constantly trying to escape their shame by seeking praise and validation. But no amount of praise can heal them because what they’re truly lacking is the self-respect and self-love that no one else can give them.

Patriarchal culture teaches people raised as males that in order to be a worthy human being, they must be strong, financially successful, and sexually powerful… or at least well-endowed… Our cultural programming alone is narcissistically oriented. But what if you’re none of those things? What if you’re not masculine at all? If you genuinely respect yourself, you know that none of that really matters, as long as you can at least pay the bills and be a good person. But if you don’t respect yourself, your life will be riddled with pain.

People raised as females are taught that they’re only worthy of love if they’re beautiful, skinny and docile. While those values also encourage narcissism, women have the advantage in that we’re allowed to express our feelings and seek healing support.